I have been obsessing... So, either I need to go to the doctor and get a medication adjustment, or I need to speak out and do something about my obsession. Today the only good choice is the later: Speak out!
My obsession is simple: My kiddos! The mass shooting yesterday in San Bernardino, CA has opened a flood gate of emotions! Fear. Anger. Disgust. Confusion. These are the emotions I expect to have. Yet, I am also feeling love and gratitude...
Being a mother of two sons with Down syndrome has brought out the inner "momma bear" to an almost extreme level. As much as I would like to have my boys talk to me about there day at school. They simply cannot... yet. As much as I would like to be able to let my boys play outside without me hoovering over them. I simply cannot... they like to wonder off and have zero "stranger danger" skills. As mush as I would like to read a book at the side of a pool while they play. I simply cannot... they can be "over friendly" with people, especially cute girls... yikes! On the same hand I worry about them defending themselves in a dangerous situation. Caleb (the 12 year old) does not even recognize that when a dog growls that means danger (that is more autism than down syndrome). This is why the events of yesterday are so profoundly scary to me... It is not hard to simply say, "What if... my boys would have been at that facility?"
I am not complaining. Truly. I am not. I love my boys! I would do anything for them. And this is where the seemingly opposite set of emotions come in play. I am so grateful that we (our little family) are where we are. Not the physical location, but as a family. I am thankful that I am in a place in life that I can advocate for my boys and that my husband supports this role. When Joshua (our 8 year old) was born we knew some of the immediate challenges we would face with him. We also understood the long term implications as well, that both our children have a life long cognitive disability! They could go on to great things in their own right but cognition would ALWAYS be an issue. For the rest of their lives there would be a need for help. At this very moment we (Mom and Dad) are able to be this help. I am blessed beyond words that Frank went back to school so I could be that primary advocate and care giver to my boys!
Yet... again my heart breaks once more... So many families with special needs kids must have both parents working, or have a single parent situation. Facilities like the one in San Bernardino are vital to so many individuals and families. And at some point in time may be needed for my boys as well. The investigation is so fresh we have no idea of motive or if the individuals with special needs were even in that room. But the thought still runs through my mind, "My kiddos would have hugged the shooters!" My boys would be the run right into danger only because they wanted a hug or to say hi... That kind of blind love makes me cry...
